I think I'm just not steady enough.

Keep messed thing up these few days.

What happened to me?

I am not good.

Feel like giving up.

老婆猷宾

我的老婆对我很好

而我却常常因忙碌而忽略了她

老婆，

短短的几个字，想让你知道，你的好我了，都放在心里。

而看着你心痛无奈，我却不知道能做什么让你觉得不那么痛。

慢慢来。

爱一直都在。

Home sweet home..

I am currently at my house.

I said I'm not so keen on backing home, but it doesn't mean that I do not like going home. When I am at my home town, I feel safe and calm, here is where I grow up.

However, I don't like that every time I back home, I have to face something or see something that I don't wanna face or see or know.

N times again my dad mention about the full scholarship, I know he 'hopes' that I can get it. I feel sorry and guilty, I couldn't do it.

If you see me standing beside the lake, gazing and stunning, I am about to say goodbye to you all...

Sigh~

Being here, I found that, I'm still a selfish girl...

I don't like the feeling I have right now, I feel so small...

What is the feeling of being your very own self?

Anybody does?

Don't push me, I will either kill you or commit suicide.

I am getting

more and more addicted

to you

stupid dar

Could it be??

It was so~unbelievable~

So my dar, you are really unlucky to have me as your life partner in future, if it is to be real~

I can't believe it~

10 years to go~

But I really love that test even if it was just for fun~

coincide??

Tay Jia Hwee omg!!!shu xian~

My Wedding's Date

2020/7/11

Ying Shu Xian

cn i wait til 2020???? hw abt 2012???

My Wedding's Date

2020/7/11

Too late,eh?

Once again you told me you are changing yourself for me

but

yea changing is a good thing but not for me

it's for you and your next girl

God bless you

I don't know what is gonna happen the next second

I don't believe that long distance relationship would last

do not believe it anymore

Think back and ask myself

Even if I do not have a bf now

I wonder if I would still love you like I did before

Will I still be so silly?

No, I don't think so

Think back and look forward

I want a new life

And still I wanna hold my head high

With a little bit of pride and proud inside

A little flash back on my previous blog

found that something inside me

I don't know how to describe but this is a weird feeling

I found that I was madly fallen for someone

whom I thought I will never fall for anyone else

I found that I thought I should be somewhere else

somewhere far far away from here

which I think I should be

where I think I belong to

what I think it will happen one day coming

naturally

I found that

something inside me has big changes

whilst

some parts of me are still me

Reading someone else could help me finding myself back

Oh

by the way

this is the man in my life now

Once again he told me he loves me

He's never said it before my leaving

I can't do anything for it.

That's out of my control.

Enough of your love.

I am not angry of him

but it is just too late.

Counting down~

September 2015~

I am counting down...

You don't know,

how much effort I'll have to put on to achieve it...

刚才看了一个可爱女生的blog.

喜欢她的想法，她的样子，总觉得，这么可爱的一个女生，你怎么忍心去伤害呢？

但，那已经是好久的事，她放下了她的过去，我也该继续向前走。

我怎么了？

其实我过得很好，这就是问题了。

怎么可能生活过得无忧无虑呢？

我像被放出笼的鸟，好自由，飞得太快太远了，有点偏离我的方向了。

但我好像没有停下休息的意思，我想要继续这样飞，不想管这么多。

但我知道我不会继续这样，

不久后我还是会折回原点，

在飞往我想去的方向。

我知道，我会这么做。

我希望，偶尔的放纵不是错。

现在觉得，

现在发现，

是的，

我变了，

这改变是好是坏我不知道，

但没改变，怎么长大？

忘了吧！

忘了以前的佳慧。

让她成为过去。

都过去了。

那个凡事都要最好的，

骄傲的，自尊心强的，好胜的，不认输的，强悍的，自我的，

都过去了。

现在，我不知道，

还在寻找。

我的包袱还没放下，

对家人的那份包袱还放不下。

但总会放下的。

我还在摸索，

但目标很明确，

有些事情，

是我们生命中很重要的一部分，

你会不惜一切去追寻。

这个我不会放弃，还有四年半的时间，真的很快。

我知道，说归说，变化总是快过计划，

但有些事，一定要完成，我的人生才能完整。

I don't care a FXXX

Ahhh~

So they tell me, impossible to get 4.0, the so-called full mark.

They said, tutor normally won't give full mark.

Normally, and I'm just a normal girl among others.

This is not I want, but I have to go through it to get what I want,

what they said, trade off.

So, I don't aim for 4.0 now,

3.899 is enough~

I really really wanna enjoy my uni life,

which has been snatched off from my study life the previous years~

I said,

Mr. Ying Shu Xian

You are pretty good,

a good boyfriend.

The wild side of me

Have you ever seen the wild side of me?

Not suit me eh？ I look so childish.

Do you know that there is a devil lives inside me,

when I can't control it, it controls over me.

The white devil inside me.

Maybe I'll release it,

someday,

when it's time.

Ever since I skipped my lunch dinner and breakfast,

now I cannot eat too much...

I feel full easily even if I used to eat that much,

and then, I feel like wanna vomit...

What the hell...

This is not a very good feeling~

So much to say, so much to tell.

But some words stuck in my throat and my mind.

Maybe,

I need to be disciplined,

I need to behave.

And I still don't understand something that is so hard to understand.

归属感

不想回家

不想回自己的家

也没有很想回这里的家

没有什么原因

就没有想要回家的感觉呀

会不会有哪一天

我会有属于自己的家

一个温暖的家

让自己有‘想要回家’的感觉

那份归属感

I am sad.

I am stress.

I am tired.

I am depress.

If I do not scare of pain, I will take a knife and cut myself.

If I do not fall sick easily, I will go out and stand there when it's raining.

I love to see myself get hurt, mentally and physically.

For some people, they will understand how does it feel.

If I could sleep comfortably, and never wake up the next morning, if I could rest in peace in this way.

I am not good.

A strong feeling of get myself hurt arises inside me.

I am aggressive. Now.

For You

I'm not sure will you see this post, most probably you will not.

I was surprise when you told me it, but man you gotta stay good, better than me!

I suppose to be the one who leave first, not you!

You have to play the song for me, in my funeral. I book you long time ago wor~

So, cherish, though I always not cherish myself, like you do, maybe?

I say, take my word, hey man, take care ya and treat it, seriously.

Flash back...

Just now watched a mv, got me flashed back a scene.

That day at westlake, inside the car,

I said: Hey this song is good!

Out of my expectation, he took my hand and reached the player and repeated it.

I was, blank, and, a sense of warm arose inside. I didn't know why.

Lots of memories, simple and plain, leave behind at westlake.

I have poor memory but I try to keep some.

Those memories between us.

That's why I have a special feeling to that place.

这个人

这个人，慢慢的影响我，改变我。

我觉得最不可思议的，是他竟然让我主动打给爸爸说父亲节快乐。

没有人知道，那对我的家庭有多大的影响。或许，我的家能因此而更融洽。

这个人，让我偶尔吃醋，偶尔耍脾气，偶尔不开心。

但如果不是在心里有重要的位置，这些情绪应该不会存在吧？

这个人，让我学会了接受很多以前不会接受的事情。

还有，谢谢。

谢谢你在我耍脾气不理你时，还一直找我。

如果你没这么做，或许我们现在还是不说话。

他们说，我会对着电话傻笑，

或许那是因为，你吧～

Am I gentle or i am HOT??

I am sad.
I am sad.
I am sad.
I am sad.
I am sad.

So I cry
I cry
I cry
I cry alone
Alone
Without anybody knowing it

Nobody know that I am sad and I cry alone
In my room

wake up in the morning feeling like...........eating..........

I love eating and I keep eating!

其实我心中有很多感受，多数都是包围着他，他对我其实还不错，但我又是神经大条的那种，我想很多时候我好像忽略了他的感受，感觉好抱歉。

或许在我悄悄的，很难以置信的，在纸上写下我想他的那一刻，我不知道，其实我已经喜欢上他了，间隔了七年，谁知道？但跟他在一起时，我是快乐的，那比什么都重要吧？

It has been weeks since I last updated my blog.

Well, so much to say, indeed, but, where to start with??

I have cheerful moments at uni, I have some good friends here, I wish everything is gonna be alright ever after (though I know it is impossible)...

I will still emo,but very few now. You know what? If you know what should you do now, then there is no time for you to emo.

I am good, still good here. And I just have KFC!!! hahaha~

If I could be a little bit cool~ I used to be very cool ya~