最近，想念你，胜。为什么想念你？不知道。反正就是想念，不需要原因。
然后，依然喜欢他。为什么喜欢？不知道。反正就是喜欢，不需要原因。
所以，现在，就想念着不会再想念我的人；喜欢着不会在意我的人，淡淡的喜欢，还ok啦～
昨天，是我从开学到现在最开心的一天。很难说明为什么开心。我班本来有二十三人，昨天只有九个人去学校。我和另外四个朋友就一起在外吃了早餐才去学校。是迟到了没错，但还是顺利的从小门通过，呵呵！对了，班上少少人的，我觉得很轻松。。
考试快到了。。说不上紧张，只要不需要上台考我记忆的事情，是没什么好紧张的。。
也许我是应该紧张一点的，呵呵！
好啦，都过去了，好或坏，都过去了～继续向前走，继续学习面对困难，继续学习解决问题，继续学习新的事物，继续向前冲！^^
Just now, I was very sad, I think ‘sad’ is to light to describe my feeling.. I think, yes, hurt is more suitable.. I know I’m useless.. I failed to control my emotion well..
I really love blogging.. This is a place where, nobody will blame me or disagree with me.. It’s so quiet, always there to listen to me, let me say whatever I like.. It watches me cry, let me be frank.. It has become my best friend, though I hate to admit it.. It’s kind of miserable to say so..
I cried so hard that my eyes had swollen and my voice changed totally.. I wanted to find someone to talk but another me inside asked me not to do so.. Is everyone same with me? Feeling down but have no one to talk to, so they just swallow all the pain inside..
I tried to talk to him, but his words are just like knife, cut me open and keep me bleeding.. He can’t understand me.. He can’t..
是没有人能够帮我，还是我拒绝了别人的帮助? I don’t wanna walk alone.. I’ve tired of it.. ok, stop thinking。。
我不想变成一个在海上的漂流者，为了继续生存而随便紧紧抱着迎面飘来的东西，哪怕只是块浮木。。浮木累了，我也累了；放开浮木，然后自己继续往下沉，能怎样？我不会游泳。。我怕水，怕不着地的感觉。。你最在乎的人竟然不谅解你，很令人伤心，对吧？说的话一句一句刺伤你的心，但同时也清醒了你。。
负担好重。。好重。。我扛不起。。是不是应该成熟一点？但怎样才算成熟啊？
我很糟糕是不是？刁蛮又任性，自私又不会为人着想，你们一定很讨厌我吧？对吧？爸爸妈妈，我在你们眼里，一定是个很差劲的孩子，我做了什么让你们觉得骄傲的事？没有，对吧？
想拿刀片割自己，也许痛能让自己清醒一点。。但我怕痛。。所以我怎样呢？每天半夜不睡觉，搞得自己身体很差，哪天自己突然就这样走了，你们大概也不知道我到底发生了什么事吧？
为什么我这么努力地想要离开?我不是这么的不喜欢这个家，只是他不可能走，所以我离开，远远地离开。。
然后，会有人叫我看看那些可怜的孩子，是啊，他们很可怜，只有他们有权利伤心，我们这种幸福的人就不应该难过。。
对于我所拥有的，所遇到的，我很满足，也很感激。。但是，你们不知道。。
我想出去走走。。就这样沿路，一直走，一直走。。也许，自己会突然清醒也说不定。。
妈妈，对不起，不久，我离开了以后，生活就是我自己的，我会对自己的生活负责，不会再麻烦你了。。对于你给我的一切，我很感激，已经够了。。还有你，我想对你好，但我做不到。。god，pls forgive me..
负担好重。。好重。。目前，我还扛不起。。也许，是我太幸福了。。
我不知道这样子的我能维持多久，也许离开这里就会没事了。。
明天又是新的一天。。
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
I hope to be understood..
Will somebody take my hand and walk with me..?
It’s a damn cold night, try to figure out this life, would you take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who you are ,but I, I’m with you…
I know, be wise.. Don’t worry, I’ll be wise.. because I’m a retard..
Ok.. I just want to clear my mind out before the very exam is coming, I can already hear the footsteps..
A ‘confess’ to my feeling, yes, I think honesty is the most beautiful manner in this world, at least I’m not cheating myself..
If you think of someone every moment, miss him like hell, does it mean you actually fall for him? I’m not sure, but I do think of him everyday, I dreamt of him once, sometimes I even have a strong feeling to him.. He gave me a very special feeling, I don’t know how to describe it.. Though my friends don’t think he’s a good boy, but, I’m not going to date him, so it really doesn’t matter if he’s a good guy or not..
We are totally different, like we don’t share any common interests, sometimes I feel like talking to him, but I don’t know what to chat.. He is so open, but I’m kind of hide-in-mist.. Seems like no story to continue.. haha.. My friends told me, ‘no worry, if two people are meant to be together, they will be together in the end..’ Ok, this sentence, I used to tell them so many times, and now it returns to me.. Funny..
How long will I miss him? Beats me too.. But for now, for the next few months or even the whole year, I’ll keep missing him.. Like, missing him, just like breathing, it happens naturally.. just so simple.. Thanks for appearing in my life..^^
I have so much to say, but I don’t know where to start and what to start with.. There are plenty of thoughts on my mind now.. Like I don’t have a clue about the life I choose..
Recently, I found my ‘talent’, what I mean is, I can do it well without any difficulty.. My brother first found it out, he told me, I am gifted in it, why don’t I head for it? I was wonder, how much can I ‘do’ with it? Will my talent give this world anything? Yes, I love it, I enjoy doing it, I got passion to it, but, can’t it just be an interest? I really love it…
Frankly, I love science too, but I am a bit, well, almost tend to things about earth and environment.. I am not really interested in engineering.. I choose to do it, just because I can do more with it..
Well, I have about 11 months to do the final decision.. Though I know there will always have another small track for me, whenever I think it’s time to change my direction.. I’ll always have chances.. And so do you..
My life afterward, will I have another mate by my side? The real one.. Like, they always say, well mostly just joking, ‘find a rich man and marry him and live happily ever after..’ hahaha.. If my boy is rich, what can he give me instead of money? Will he behave like ‘money is everything’ then working is more important than me? Then soon after we will have quarreled over some silly things then get divorced? What if he’s having affair? If I have a husband, my world is no more belong to me alone, and, if I have a child, will I sacrifice my time for him? Oh.. Marriage is terrible..
I did a silly thing before, and maybe that’s why my beloved one always leaves me? When he wanted to keep me by his side, I’ll scare and run away, I even said, ‘you chase, I run.’ And, another he said, ‘ You promised me to give me your world.’ I replied, ‘no, I’ll never say it, I think is ‘I give you my word, not world.’ At that moment, he must be frustrated.. What the stupid things I have done.. I am a super idiot in love.. Some say this is the so-called Gemini behavior.. haha
I don’t know.. Luckily, life has no take two…
今天，去拿报告，医生表情很为难地对我说：‘很少年轻人会这样。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。’
我心想：医生，你每次都这样。。
然后，三四个月后得再回去验血，每次都这样；
然后，左边的血管抽不到血，要试右边的，要痛两次，每次都这样；
然后，要乖乖地on diet，每次都这样。。
唯一不同的，是连哥哥也不带我去吃汉堡了。。（汉堡不加辣椒酱，会更好吃哦！）
然后，想起大鬼说过的一句话：‘每天早上醒来，感恩又多赚了一天。’
而我觉得，有什么想做的，自己觉得值得的，就不要犹豫太久，人生其实不会很长，再加上一些突发状况，像天灾，意外之类的。。不要让自己后悔。。
人生很美，看自己怎么去为它填上色彩。。
依然想念。。但想念已经找不到继续下去的理由。。这样的想念似乎已变得多余了。。韩版的‘I believe’很好听。。希望明年五月的台湾之旅能顺利出发。。我的第一个背包旅行，当作送给自己二十岁的生日礼物。。
我突然明白，那些没有家的孩子们，为什么总能比一般孩子成熟，坚强。。在他们的世界里，没有所谓的back up。。每件事，他们都得对自己负责。。他们没有家，which let them turn back and rest when they have no strength to carry on。。在这种情况下长大的孩子，怎能不学会坚强呢？他们只能一直往前走，就算转过头，也没有人向他们挥挥手。。不会孤单吗？不会无助吗？
我的世界，也没有所谓的back up。。有时不明白，为什么，不能宠我多一些，还好，你们没有。。有时觉得你们还挺cold。。但如果不是这样，我也不会长大，不是吗？只是，当我接受，我的家不是一个避风港，而是一个我一直都想逃避的地方时，我无言。。我知道，哪天我累了，回过头，我会看见我亲爱的哥哥，还有弟弟，至少这让我不孤单。。
我会羡慕别人的家庭，那种温暖，从其他父母生上，我可以感觉得到，但从来不是你们。。不怪你们，因为就算你们给我也无法接受。。你们不可能给我我想要的那种感觉，你们做不到。。十岁生日那天，我一个人在家，很明显，你们忘了那天是我生日，我一个人对自己唱生日歌。。我问你们那天是什么日子，你们反问我有什么特别吗？之后，我都很少庆祝生日了。。很多事情都是件小事而已，但在我心里却留下了很深的影响。。孩子不是生下来，养大他们就算了。。
P/S: 我写不下去了，每每提到家，我都会哭。。没关系，至少你们给我一个疼我哥哥，还有不错的弟弟。。比起其他人，我幸福太多了。。
I don’t know why can’t I calm my mind when the exam is around the corner.. Maybe I’m just nervous? I can’t stop thinking, all irrelevant to exam.. What the hell??
I think of him, the sweet moments we had before.. the way he talked to me, like ordering, but I found it funny actually.. some conversations I love, like..
“can you read me a bedtime story? Oh I want a bear bear with me..” “sure..” “don’t you think it’s childish?” “no..it’s ok..”
“send me some photos now..” “huh.. tomorrow can or not?” ‘no,now..’ ‘ooo…’
“can I eat French fried?’ ‘no..’ ‘a little bit..mabye 1/4 of it?’ ‘no, pls don’t eat it, you cant..”
‘what did u have for lunch?’’ ‘instant mee…I love it!’ ‘who said you can eat instant mee?’ ‘huh,you didn’t say cannot..’ ‘you didn’t ask also..’
Everytime you call, first two things you’d ask are “have you eaten?” ‘have you take medicine?’ I hate routine, but I love it actually..
You asked me, I don’t like to chat through phone, why still I chat with you? I don’t like to take photo, but yet I still take for you? Silly boy, this type of question, you don’t have to ask, you know it well..
So, since you been gone, I have returned to the way I used to be, seldom chat through phone, also seldom(almost no) take photo already.. well, it’s carefree.. but, sometimes, I’ll think of you.. it’s normal, isn’t it?
Days without you, like nothing really bad, normal,like nothing different,but deep inside, I’m not sure..
Going my 1st backpacking soon, so bad that the one who go with me is not you..
I’m alright! Thanks for the memories you’ve left for me..^^
被一个人看穿你内心真正的样子，那种感觉是怎样？现实很惊喜，然后会觉得很恐怖。。
那天，就跟他坐在海边聊，他告诉我，他会看相，好奇哦，就让他说说我，结果，出乎预料，全都说对了，怎么可能？？他说，一个人的眼神不会说谎，因为这样，我学会了控制自己的眼神，除非我愿意，不然不会再有第二个朋友能这样read me.. 他说，我很容易相信别人，很容易被骗，结果我就学着不要这么容易相信别人，但很多时候，I just follow my intuition..他是我认识不久的朋友，但却能这样聊了一整晚，也难怪朋友会误会我们。。那次之后，我们就很少说话了，闲言闲语，是很累人的，though I know my friends are just joking.. 另外一点就是，he can read me, so I start to avoid him.. just natural reaction..haha..
我的死党问我，怎么我的感情生活这么复杂，我无言，因为我也不知道为什么会这样，难道就不能你对我好，我对你好，然后开心就一起分享，不开心就借你肩膀；不能就这么简单吗？哈哈～做梦～
谁说双子座的人很吵？我很吵吗？嗯。。。有时啦。。要看跟谁在一起，如果是跟老朋友就。。。但很多时候，我更喜欢保持沉默。。
我想站在陌生的街头拉着我心爱的曲子，有没有人欣赏无所谓，但我相信会有的；我想拿着相机走在陌生的街头，把一切完美的，不完美的，刹那间的镜头拍下。。我想一个人在陌生的街头走走，离开的时候，是另一个自己，更贴近真实的那个自己；我想握着第三世界儿童的手，想给他们温暖的拥抱，想告诉他们，they are not forgotten；我更想站在舞台上，完整的呈现一支舞蹈，me alone can attract the spotlight；我想。。。。。。但我选择的未来，有一些，或许无法实现。。
P/S: 十年后的这个时候，我们会在哪里呢？？这就是生命有趣的地方，你永远都不知道，下一秒，你又会遇见什么事，改变你的想法和未来；而改变我们的，往往都是些不起眼的小事。。。^^
这几天开夜车，我想起了PMR的时候。。我们一群朋友比赛，看谁能耐的最久，最快睡的那个要请大家一餐，结果，明杰输了，他请我们吃了一顿pizza。。其实，他没输。。有人耍诈。。哈哈～好想念过去的种种。。想念我们为了吃走遍了整个bp；想念我们为国庆倒数而skip class；想念我们就这样大刺刺的坐在马路中央吃汉堡，看着红灯转绿而我们却依然赖着不走；想念我们为了办camp而忙得无法形容；想念你住在我家，陪我睡觉的那几晚；想念有次我们去旅行，你们因为我选了一个‘超赞’的位子而数落了我半天；想念我们一起疯狂一起闹；想念我们三人只要一在一起就没有什么事是我们办不到的。。想念老朋友了～
I don’t feel like talking.. and blogging is the best way to express my feeling at the moment.. I know I can’t continue the life style I’m having now.. It really kills me.. My level has increased, my chest-ache got happened more frequently than ever.. If people know my situation, they will not blame me of not going school so often recently.. my both hands are pain because of taking blood.. every few months have to do so.. and now they want me to do a check up again, my chest.. no.. I’m not going to check it.. just let it be.. just don’t feel like doing so.. my health is..like sucks.. mentally is ok now, stronger than before, but physically, has never been improved.. most probably I always skip medicine.. I deserve it.. so, D, if u read this, can you recall what I’ve text you before? My funeral.. if I leave this world all of a sudden, can you plan my funeral as I’ve told u? who knows?? Don’t worry I’m not going to commit suicide, not so silly.. haha.. just.. who knows?? Haha.. I pray, for a better tomorrow..^^
P/S: I think not many people know that this is a private blog, only someone I trust will know this place.. And that’s why I can post my feeling here as much as I can..
I really hate the feeling of missing someone.. like he’s staying in your heart, so still that u can’t get rid of him no matter how hard you try.. you wonder if he’s also thinking of you, and the answer is, maybe, or definitely, no.. you love to talk to him, to hear from him, you love every little thing that make you and him link together... but the thing is, you have to face the truth, you and him, are from different world.. totally different.. though you don’t understand why god let two of you meet, maybe it’s just a joke.. again, another joke.. you have tired of it, you have worn out, one day coming, he will date another girls, and you will meet someone else that make you like having one more glance.. you don’t even have a chance to let him know your feeling.. and why the hell do you two meet? What for?? You don’t have a clue.. maybe, again, another no-answer-question... I pray, next time, no joke, ok??
魔鬼说：我讨厌你们！I HATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME! 我讨厌你们说这样做是错的，当我问为什么时，你们却答不出。。我讨厌你们对我限制太多，你们说，这是为我好，却不知道我到底要什么。。我讨厌你们对我的不信任，如果你们选择不相信，就不要问我这么多问题。。我讨厌你们一直活在过去的思想，自己却忘了不是每个大人都能变成龙应台。。我讨厌你们总是以同一个角度去审判我，当我不同意时，我就是叛逆不受教。。我讨厌你们事情还没结束就妄自下定论，忘了事情到最后总是有个大逆转。。我讨厌你们无论我怎么说怎么解释，你们都不接受。。我讨厌你们总是告诉我该怎么做，你们觉得犯错是错的，却不知道我总是从错误中学习。。我讨厌你们对我的影响，让我一直都在和自己的内心抗争。。你们总是说这样做不好那样做不对，但你们又知不知道，这个社会。对与错的界限，早已模糊了。。大人们，你们知道吗？
天使说：你不该讨厌他们。。如过没有他们，不会有现在的你。。过去的一切促成了现在的你。。如果没有他们的影响，你不会一次又一次的与自己的内心争辩。。you will not keep searching for the right, you will not stand for yourself, hold your faith so tight..你应该感激这一切。。
自己说：But I lost.. Again and again.. Am I too timid to do what I want and like? Am I a coward who dare not abide the consequences?
WHO I AM???????????????????????????????
P/S： 这个世界习惯从一百分算起。然后当你让人失望，当你让他们操心，当你让他们受伤，当你让他们哭泣，你的
百分就在递减。。
这几天，我看了两本书，是有关背包旅行和“出走”的。。
第一本是《稀游记》。。讲述寻找新加波人在海外生活的日子。。每个人都有属于自己的故事与执着。。特别有感触的，是一些人，他们放弃高薪职业和优质生活，去到偏远的国度，帮助那些被世界遗弃的边缘人。。对我而言，他们就是天使。。还有，两个个青少年，一个热爱音乐，年纪轻轻就只身前往陌生的国度续梦；另一个，是对舞蹈执着的男生，他不顾旁人的反对，坚持自己真正想要的。。他们的勇气，我未必会有。。想想自己还被困在传统的框框中，很努力的，正想要跳出来。。所以，当别人像要这么做而犹豫着时，或当别人不了解为何我这么做时，我会回答：why not??
第二本书，我足足等了一个多月才运来bp的。。《我的私房日记》，讲述有关马来西亚人在世界各地背包旅行的故事。。他们当中多数是自己出走的。。在旅途中，当他们独处，自己与自己对话时，他们发现了自己。。每一篇，都让我有很深的感触。。每个故事都这么真实。。它让我每读完一片章节，都沉思了许久。。Then I looked around, and looked at myself, and asked : “Is this what I really want? If not, what do I really long for? What I’ve done, I did it for people around, or just for myself? Should I think of them before action? Can I just follow my feeling and passion? And, WHY NOT?” 什么时候，我才能跳出所谓枷锁，找回我自己，那个真正的自己？我习惯了伪装，已经忘了，真正的自己，是什么样子的。。
但，我知道，I’m still on the way of searching myself, 不远了。。
P/S: 不要告诉我要怎么做才对，也不要用所谓的标准框着我。。
请允许我犯错，还有我的自我，因为，I’m only 19… I’m a white devil, and I love of being so..